Dying Alone
by FuzzyPickles94
Summary: Conker the Squirrel has been the king of Panther's… ahem, Conker's Kingdom for a year. His immense wealth gives him all the money, women, and alcohol he desires. But no material possessions can heal a miserable squirrel with no satisfying future.


Life sucks.

Here I am, drinking the finest wine out of my fancy, golden champagne while sitting on a huge, red, comfy chair that's too tall for me and wearing the Panther King's golden crown slanted to the left. I, Conker the Squirrel, have been king of all the land for a year. What was me just trying to get back home ended up with me somehow overthrowing the fable Panther King. Like seriously, I was within inches of being bloodily mauled by an ugly, black alien in space called Heinrich. Just as I tasted death, the game froze. I managed to contact the awesome game programmers to get me a katana and chopped that blasted alien head off at the Panther King's throne. Then out of nowhere, the broken pitchfork Franky and all of his rejects came into my view and declared that I was the new king. To this day, I still can't believe that in only one day, I went from an ordinary red squirrel to acquiring a kingdom.

I know what everyone is thinking. With all the money, fame, women, wine, and power in my grasp, I must be living the dream. I mean, after all, that's what the media portrays my life to be. But I hate being a king so much. Every day is a struggle to wake up because I can't find any reason to live. I am a slave, only instead of working out in the fields in the sizzling sun, I have to live in a huge stone castle and put on a smiley face in front of the camera.

Every day I'm forced to wake up at 5 AM in the morning, hours that not even my parents forced me to be up at to get ready for school. I have to put up with living among misfits who constantly nag me about everything; advice on how to generate the economy, issues with crime, dealing with protests over my regime, how to not screw up public reception, and other complicated matters that I was unprepared to deal with. The incredible amount of responsibilities thrown on my plate in a day is overwhelming. How the heck am I supposed to keep everyone happy? When I was a child, I used to dream of being famous and being adored by millions of girls around the world. While I have obtained fame, it seems as about half of the kingdom resents my guts no matter what I do. Why can't I just step down and be a normal squirrel again?

Constantly my mind replays the things that my parents always preached; never drink alcohol, never swear, never be greedy, never pee in public, among other things that don't immediately come to mind. I always got aggravated when my parents gave me lectures about how I am supposed to act that I ended up ignoring whatever they told me, especially when I moved out after graduating high school. Unfortunately, my parents died in a car accident shortly after my graduation. I was fortunate that Berri let me move in with her (under the condition that I paid half of the rent) so I didn't think much of my parents for the next three years. In hindsight, I wish I had paid more attention to what my parents said. I had a solid childhood with great friends like Diddy Kong, Tiptup, Pipsy, and Timber that I frequently hanged out with. One time, we even banded together to defeat the evil Wizpig and what an adventure that was. Nowadays, not even my childhood friends want anything to do with me as they loathe the choices that I made as an adult.

Worst of all is the reminder that Berri is dead. Today is the first anniversary since her death. I'm supposed to be jubilant and promoting the notion that on this day, I overthrew the Panther King and ascended to the throne. Instead, I am sulking on the top of the castle. I felt wet tears on my face while putting the wine down and choking on my words to say,

"How could I have forgotten the ask the game programmers to revive Berri? She meant everything to me in the four years we had known each other. I was a fool to not have asked the game programmers to bring her back when I had the chance. I'm sorry Berri for being such a selfish, greedy scumbag!"

Though my relationship with Berri suffered in our last year together, I truly loved her. We shared some of our most intimate thoughts and feelings together. She was the only one that was receptive to hearing my conflicts that I had with other squirrels, animals, humans, things that are supposedly created by intelligent hands like paintbrushes (don't ask me how they reproduce), and especially within myself. Sex with her was one of the best moments of my life. It was like a coming together between two animals. Granted, she did end up becoming pregnant (which scared the asses out of both of us since it was not planned), but we decided to stay together to make things work out. Regrettably, that child will never see the light of day as Don Weaso killed Berri in cold blood. If that bastard weasel is somehow still alive, I will make sure to murder him.

Contrast Berri to the countless hookers I've had since I became king. At first there was a ton of physical pleasure that came from banging woman after woman. But even the sexiest women lack the emotional aspect to sex. Every hooker knew that she came to gratify me and then left when the intercourse ended. Eventually, even the physical pleasure wore out. My last sexual encounter two weeks ago was disastrous to say the least. I got the most gorgeous red squirrel in the whole kingdom to pleasure me. But no matter how hard I tried to orgasm, I just flat out could not do it. Sex has become a chore and in this case, unsatisfying for both of us. The hooker became so angry at me for not reaching orgasm, thinking that I had been secretly looking at pornography (which I was, though I made sure not to reveal that to anyone) that she put her clothes back on and stormed out of the room. She even threw the money back at me as she vehemently screeched,

"I'd rather have nothing than to get money from losers who doesn't appreciate my service! Go fuck yourself!"

That really did me in. To be told that I was worthless and that I wasn't even worth the time of prostitutes hit me like a brick wall. I knew then that I had no love, no hope, and no happy future ahead of me. Even with my status, all that I get are short-term pleasures, a monstrous amount of work that I dread doing, and being surrounded by some of the most annoying creatures to inhabit this world. A week ago with a full moon to brighten the night, I made my way up to my bedroom at the top of the castle. There, I nearly committed suicide. With a black handgun loaded with ammunition, I pointed the gun at the back of my head and was ready to end it all after nearly a year of debating whenever to live. Yet as I moved my index finger to the trigger, my hands trembling with fear. Fear pounded my chest and rushed furiously towards the rest of my body. Having forgotten the reason why, I put the gun down, ironically continuing the suffering I endure today. After I had walked to the drawer adjacent to the window and locked the handgun with a key, tears formed from my eyes. This got to the point where I was crying uncontrollably. With my best effort not to let others find out, I dropped to the floor and muttered,

"Why… why… why?", forced out at slower paces each time. "My life is a wreck. No woman wants to put up with me, I can't stand everyone I'm surrounded with every day, and there is no one I can speak to about my feelings. I hate myself so much that I just want to die already. How could I be king of all the land and be so miserable?"

After sobbing for about half an hour that depressing night, I headed to my blue, king-sized bed at 2 AM, hoping to erase the memories in the days to come. Judging from the fact that I am contemplating suicide again, that obviously didn't work.

One day I will kill myself. Regardless of whenever I die today or live to be 100, I am dying alone.  
 _-  
Hello there everyone. This is my first fanfiction that I have ever written to completion. I have made several attempts at a fanfiction before, but they have never been completed, so I guess this is an achievement? Anyway, hopefully you've enjoyed this one-shot and if not, feel free to totally rip it apart._


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